Circus Of Dead Squirrels – Stand Up

Have you seen all these wacky potato chip flavors they have now? Mozzarella sticks, dill pickles, all this shit. If you want fucking mozzarella sticks just buy mozzarella sticks. Just buy what the fuck you want. What are we that bored we gotta switch everything up constantly? We don’t have enough fucking food in this goddamn country, we gotta start playing games with it?

Is it me, am I the asshole?

I’m all for paying people a living wage, I really am. But is it too much to ask of these cashiers that they could at least fucking say hello to you, make eye contact with you. I know people breaking their fucking ass, sweating their balls off making 15 dollars an hour. All you gotta do is throw a couple fucking bananas in a bag. You think you could at least acknowledge my existence you little shit

Is it me, am I the asshole?
I’m not mad enough for this world

Have you ever seen these motorized fucking shopping carts anywhere else except Wal-Mart? Because I haven’t. What the fuck do these people do when they have to go anywhere else? Do you see people being fucking carried around like they’re injured soldiers? Hanging off fucking people’s shoulders? Somehow they can magically walk then. Those fucking carts are like a goddamn magnet for people to be lazy pieces of shit

Is it me, am I the asshole?
I’m not mad enough for this world

Twelve dollars for a sandwich, no fries, nothing. You think to yourself what is there a fucking celebrity chef back there? High school dropout walks out of the kitchen, scratching his nasty ass beard, fucking tattoo of a cock on his hand. Everybody wants a tip for every fucking thing now. I drive all the way down to the restaurant, she thinks she should get a fucking tip for giving you a plastic bag and a fork

Is it me, am I the asshole?

I’m a little self-conscious about my body. And I went for a check-up, and I take off all my clothes. Next thing you know the doctor starts throwing dollar bills at me. I say, “what the hell are you doing?” He says, “you got a nice pack of titties on you there honey.” I said, “yea, well go fuck yourself.” He says, “yea, I’ll do that, right after I put my finger up your ass. Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

I’m not crazy enough, dumb enough for this world
I’m not mad enough for this world

Hey Doc, I came here for an ear infection
It’s crazy. It’s insanity. It’s madness. It’s not good
Hey thanks for calculating this fucking gratuity for me on the receipt, but can I possibly get some service to go along with that? At this point can I just fucking take it to go?

Do you have to be a drug addict to work at Dunkin’ Donuts?
Hey dipshit, you want to stop flirting with the cashier for a second and make sure all those cold items are bagged together. I don’t feel like doing a fucking scavenger hunt when I get home
You trying to check my prostate or the back of my throat?

You guys want the mozzarella sticks that taste like potato chips or the potato chips that taste like mozzarella sticks?